I’m not sick. I’m not sick. I’m not sick.
Scoff at my clever strategy if you must, but everything is going according to plan. You see, the first step is to go about your daily business like nothing is wrong. Inside the germs get all confused.
“Wait…what’s going on?? He should be coughing up a storm and blowing chunks! What’s the deal? Why is he still out and about like nothing is wrong?”
The viri (that’s the plural form of virus by the way) start to argue with each other and point fingers…er…I mean… point hemagglutinins at each other.
“Flem! What’s going on?! This guy should be cursing life and staying in bed! Clearly you aren’t doing your job!”
“What?! Are you kidding?! I’ve been putting in overtime as it is! This guy’s nose should be running like a faucet! Have you talked to Gastro?”
“Gastro!! What’s the problem? Why hasn’t this guy called a doctor?”
“Don’t look at me! You should see the amount of stomach acid over here! I’m lighting fuses all over the place! Everything should be explosive on its way out!”
At this point the germs are all completely beside themselves. They have no idea what’s going on. Their time-tested techniques aren’t producing their desired results. They start second guessing their methods of operation. Panic ensues. Pretty soon they’re swimming around in circles aimlessly.
That’s when my body strikes. My white blood cells attack the confused and bewildered team of invaders, literally annihilating them before they have ANY IDEA of how the carnage fell upon them. Well, I mean…I’m not really sure viruses really have the thinking capacity to have any ideas to begin with…but you understand what I mean. Carnage. Destroyed. Etc.
I practice this method of overcoming illness all the time. And I must say it’s extremely effective. Why, most of the time this strategy can defeat a cold in just 7 days! Impressive right?!?! I TOLD you my plan worked.
It’s genius really. Those viri don’t stand a chance.