Raccoon Toons

“I’m going in.”

I’m pretty sure these words are always a prelude to being awesome. Just saying them aloud makes you want to go kick some mass and take some names. It makes you want to complete the most daredevil of schemes and the most risky of operations. They turn you into the biggest, baddest, super-spy/action hero ever. Go ahead. Say the words. Give it a try. I’ll wait.

…

See?!?! Now you’re all freaking awesome!!

It kinda reminds me of elementary school and playing Capture the Flag. Because Capture the Flag is no joke man. That’s some serious hardcore stuff. It’s a war zone man. A WAR ZONE.

When I was young and we played capture the flag I was always one of those kids who stayed in his own territory. Y’know, ’cause I wasn’t one to make war. You stay in your country and I’ll stay in mine and we’ll all be cool. No worries man. Take it easy now, we don’t want any trouble. Relax.

But no one ever wants peace in Capture the Flag. Maybe we’re just not a society ready to live without bloodshed. Before you know it, kids from all over the field would cross our borders and start INVADING my country!! They’d try to desecrate our flag and claim our country for their own! Those little Hitlers were relentless! They had to be stopped.

And so being the peacekeeping young soul that I was, it was my job to defend the right. I was somewhat fast as a youth, and I took down many invaders seeking to thwart our country’s noble ambitions of peace. Our jail became full. So many prisoners of war…

Rarely did I seek to thwart the coming invaders by stealing their flag myself.  Seldom did I ever even cross the border into enemy territory. Because I was a good kid. A kind kid. Occasionally, as a last resource in the name of peace I would have no other choice and yes–it would have to be done. But I had seen too many fall for such madness. Too much bloodshed. Too much mindless aggression. I didn’t seek to make their country my own. I had no desire for world domination or tyrannical rule. [At least not then.] I simply wanted to live out my P.E. time in peace. So I only defended my home from enemy invaders. Those crazy Nazi terrorists… When will you people learn that war is not a game?! IT’S NOT A GAME!!!!

But as the war grew on, my brothers and sisters in arms would fall. Our numbers on both sides would be depleted. Our jails full with the scattered bodies of casualties of war.

Only then would I even consider to cross into enemy lands, and usually only on a mission to save my fallen brethren. Operation: Jailbreak, as it came to be known, was among my specialties.

Carefully I’d wait for the opportune moment. Studying my opponents. I only have one shot at this, I would tell myself. One life to give, for the sake of my country. There could be no mistake. My mission was too great. I had to succeed. It had to be perfect. And when the moment came, I’d be ready. And I would strike.

“I’m going in.”

I’d take off like a whirlwind, my enemies suddenly taken by surprise that this seemingly peaceful citizen of the West would ever even consider an attack on their soils. They were never ready for my cunning strike. My sudden burst of speed and aggression. I’d fly through their lands, weaving and dodging until I reached the deepest depths of enemy territory. Carefully I’d avoid the clutches of the sinister jail guard, until finally reaching my captive comrades and freeing them from the satanic prisoner camps of evil.

A cheer would erupt from our lands. With jubilation and great valor we would all return safely as war heroes. Citizens of a free and noble country.

Such was my cause. In the name of peace.