Raccoon Toons

Sometimes you have no idea how a date is going to turn out. After many years of dating, I have discovered that people still surprise you even when you think you have everything all figured out. This could be good or bad.

I remember for example, taking a girl to dinner and discovering that she was far more charming and creative than I had previously imagined.

I recall another young woman who in addition to being a wonderful conversationalist, consistently fascinated me with the multiple ways she volunteered her time and performed various acts of service.

I’ve spoken before about the girl who went to dinner with me and ate an entire pizza all on her own. That was surprising. My goodness.

I even remember an experience as a youth when I took a friend to a high school dance and it was one of the best dates I had ever been on, because it turned out my date who I thought was somewhat shy, ended up being a ridiculous amount of fun.

So people can surprise you.

Unfortunately, I also remember some dates that surprised me in ways that were less than favorable. Below are a few recommendations of things NOT to do for all you dating people out there. I write them from my own experience, but you should feel free to take them to heart and make them your own.

• Do not say nothing. I can only comment on your pointy shoes so many times before it sounds forced. You’re stuck with me for a few hours and trust me, this will go a whole lot easier on both of us if you open your mouth and say a few words. I don’t care what you say at this point. I’ll pretend to be interested. We can have a riveting conversation on the life cycles of Norwegian snails for all I care. Just say something. Or at least breath a little heavier so I know you didn’t die in my car on the way over to the restaurant.

• Do not vent to me about all of the people you can’t seem to get along with. Not only does it seem like a red flag that you can’t seem to play nice with anyone, but it’s kind of a downer. I’m interested in you, not your mother or your sister or your coworker or whomever wronged you on this particular occasion. I am not your therapist. If I was, you’d be buying dinner and we’d be eating someplace much nicer.

• While we’re on the subject, you are not my therapist either. I didn’t take you out to dinner to experience an intervention. I don’t need to hear your armchair psychological opinions on my feelings of inadequacy. I don’t need to hear you discourse on how I’m not over my past loves, that I’m trapped in a juvenile state of regression, or that Disney princesses have created an unreasonable expectation of women in my mind. I know my issues, thank you very much. If I wanted therapy, I’d go to therapy. All I really wanted was some nice conversation and maybe a chicken ranch sandwich.

• Do not insist that you’re old enough to date me, only to moments later complain that your mother made you clean your room.

• Do not ask me about my interests only to listen to me passionately expound on my love of baseball, before promptly responding that you find baseball to be intensely boring and a waste of time. You won’t get a second date no matter how many times you text me. There are SO many things wrong with that I don’t even know where to begin.

• Don’t be a flake.

• Rather than responding with simple compassion, do not after learning about my family’s cancer history, take this opportunity to unceasingly lecture me (and my family who you’ve never met) on our eating habits, insisting that all of these various cancers could just magically go away if we only started heeding your all-wise and heretofore unknown wisdom on vegetables and the cult of Crossfit.

• Do not invite me out for a date, only for me to learn upon arrival, that some guy from out of town showed up and now you’re on a date with him instead.

• Do not bring your pregnant friend and her husband along on our first date. Do not insist that we should go back to your pregnant friend’s parents’ house afterwards. Do not turn our date into a family affair with your pregnant friend, her parents, her five (yes…FIVE!) siblings, and their three insanely large and affectionate dogs. That is a lot of people to meet on a first date. I planned to be on a date with one person. Not with nine and a half persons.

• Do not suddenly and violently erupt into tears in the middle of our date without any explanation whatsoever. I feel like this should be kind of an obvious one. And yet, here we are.

So there you go. That’s just my two cents. They seem like good things to avoid to me. Just sayin’.

Now go forth and conquer, ye single dating people.