Ok. First thing’s first. Before I write my entry this week all of you need to head on over to facebook-land and “like” our newly re-branded page. Even if you were already a fan before, chances are you were removed from the page during the re-branding, so you need to click that “like” button again if you want to help the cause and if you want all the weekly updates in your feed.
Here. I’ll make it SUPER easy for you:
^There.^ Click the “like” button. That’s it. So easy. Click it. Click it good.
Now, I will commence with this week’s completely unrelated ranting, which I like to call, “A Hypothetical But Factually Based Conversation With Facebook Regarding My Fan Page.”
Matt: Hey Facebook, thanks for making an option for me to create a “page” for my cartoons! It’s been really useful for sharing my work with others, and was especially helpful when my website crashed back in 2008.
| Facebook:
You’re welcome. We really only do it for our advertising revenue streams, but hey, it’s nice that we both win on this one. |
Matt: Hey, so I was wondering… I’ve rebuilt my website, and I’ve changed the name of my cartoons as well as the domain name. I’d like to change it on the Facebook page as well.
| Facebook:
Ooooh…yeah…um…sorry we can’t let you do that. |
Matt: What? Why not?
| Facebook:
Well, we don’t want people changing their pages to something that might be offensive to the people who already “like” the page. |
Matt: Yeah, but I’m not changing it to anything offensive.
| Facebook:
We don’t know that. |
Matt: You could look.
| Facebook:
We don’t have time to look at your page. We’re much too busy counting our money and stealing your personal information. |
Matt: Ok…but…wouldn’t it be worse if I was actually POSTING offensive material? All I’m asking is for the right to change the name of MY page to reflect the change in MY brand. You don’t own my brand.
| Facebook:
We don’t yet. But there’s still time. |
Matt: This is silly. C’mon. Please?
| Facebook:
No. You’ll just have to delete the entire page and start over. |
Matt: Why would I do that? I’d lose readers, all the comments and history, annoy fans, and I’d spend hours rebuilding the new one. That would hurt my brand.
| Facebook:
Should’ve thought of that before you decided to run your business like you owned the thing. |
Matt: I DO own the thing.
| Facebook:
We’ll see about that. |
Matt: Ok. Now you’re making me mad. I’m going to spend the next 2 years sending you daily negative feedback regarding this single issue.
| Facebook:
Fine. We won’t change our minds though. |
2 Years later…
| Facebook:
Hey. So we’re kind of getting tired of all your emails. We’ve decided to let you change your page name. |
Matt: For reals? Awesome! Thank you so much!
| Facebook:
Yeah, but only if you have less than 100 people who like your page. |
Matt: Um…but I have lots more than that.
| Facebook:
Then you can’t change it. |
Matt: That doesn’t seem fair. If I had less than 100 I could just start over anyway. Why punish those of us who have used your pages the longest?
| Facebook:
It’s all part of our master plan to piss you off. Just wait until we roll out this “ticker” thing we have planned… |
Matt: You do realize I’m just going to keep sending you emails about this issue…
| Facebook:
Bring it. |
1 year later…
| Facebook:
Hey. Alright. Enough with the emails. You’ve won. We’re going to let you change your page name. |
Matt: Ah-ha! Finally! I knew if I waited long enough you’d finally be logical about this!
| Facebook:
Yeah, yeah. We’re just tired of hearing from you. Here, fill out this little form and we’ll take care of it. |
Matt: Sweet! Finally a victory for the little guy! Here’s your form.
| Facebook:
Ok. Give us a few days, we’ll get back to you. |
Matt: Great!
| Facebook:
Hey, so we reviewed your request and we decided not to let you change your name. |
Matt: Wait, what?? Why??
| Facebook:
Changing the name might be misleading to those who are already fans of the page. |
Matt: Um…did you even LOOK at my page?? The name is my old domain name. It isn’t even active anymore. If you typed the address it would immediately take you to my new one. It’s only misleading if we DON’T change it.
| Facebook:
Yeah too bad. Me and my little crony Rufus here have decided our decision is final. |
Matt: You know what? Screw you. And screw Rufus. I’m going to delete two thirds of my own fan base from my own page and change the name myself you heartless, senseless bastards.
| Facebook:
Hey. Don’t be so mean. Facebook is a place for friends. |
Matt: You have effectively hurt my brand name. Thanks a lot.
| Facebook:
Maybe you should go write about it on your page and share it with what’s left of your little “fan base.” |
Matt: You’re a real jerk Facebook.
This reminds me of an old Red Skelton skit where he plays a homeless man forced to drive a getaway car for some criminals, but the car is stalled and a policeman comes by and asks for Red Skelton’s drivers license. Red has none, so he steals the one from the policeman’s pocket and shows it to the policeman. The policeman reads it and says that the license expired months ago.
Haha! I think I may have seen that!!
And…..this is yet another reason why I left facebook (best choice I ever made), they want to take over the world, and I don’t want to be a part of that. So, I’m not going to “like” you’re page, even though I do like your cartoons. Sorry.