Raccoon Toons

Throughout all ages, beautiful women have had the power to cause men to become helpless and stupefied. They literally remove thoughts and words from our mouth and leave us with nothing but the most clueless expressions.  I know this from personal experience.

Once upon a time, in a far away land called junior high school, there was an exceptionally good looking 7th grader in my class. I knew she was exceptionally good looking because everyone said she was exceptionally good looking, and that’s what society does for us— they tell us who is exceptionally good looking.

This particular exceptionally good looking classmate was in 7th period science with me. I had never spoken her, but I knew who she was. Everyone knew who she was. I on the other hand, kept somewhat of a “low profile” in my junior high school days…which is a nice way of protecting my ego and saying I’m pretty certain she had no idea I existed.

One afternoon our science teacher decided to put us into groups to work on some sciency sort of project. I don’t remember what the project was, except I have some vague recollection of the planet Saturn, which seems odd because I’m pretty sure 7th grade is where you study cells and organisms and junk. So I have no idea where I’m getting Saturn, but there ‘ya go.

My science teacher by the way, believed he was Batman. No. I’m actually being serious. He had the full suit and everything. Weird right? It’s completely irrelevant to my story, but I thought I would go ahead and mention that part anyway because…dude thought he was Batman. But I digress.

As fate would have it, exceptionally good looking girl and I were placed into the same science group. My little junior high heart fluttered. Maybe THIS would be my chance to break through social barriers and get to know the most exceptionally good looking girl on campus! Yes! This was my chance.

Unfortunately as I recall, the rest of our group members were…well…dimwitted to say the least. I remember them arguing over all sorts of stupid and ridiculous ideas for group projects that didn’t even make sense let alone fulfill the requirements of the science project.

As I looked around the little cluster of 7th graders, it finally dawned on me that I was in fact the best student in our group. That’s saying something because this was right around that time when schoolwork and being a good student wasn’t exactly high on my priority list. And by “right around that time” I mean “grades 6th-15th,” and by “not on my priority list” I mean “not women, cartoons, or chocolate milk.”

Of course being the best student in the group terrified me to no end, because EVERYONE knows what happens when you’re the smartest person in your group. Surely the minute I opened my mouth I would be doomed to do all of the work myself and lead the required presentation to the rest of the class. But worst of all, exceptionally good looking girl would know that I was smart. And that, I decided, could not be allowed to happen. Smart people weren’t cool in junior high school. They just weren’t.

So I devised a plan to save myself from this deplorable fate. I would scarcely open my mouth. And when I did, it would only be to utter the words: “I don’t know,” “yeah, that sounds fine to me,” or “whatever.”

It was a brilliant plan if I do say so myself. Some other poor schmuck was taking charge of the group project, and I was left undisturbed to plot my attempt at speaking with exceptionally good looking girl.

All the group did however, was argue. They couldn’t seem to agree on anything, except for me of course who agreed with absolutely anything. It truly was the saddest sorry bunch of 7th graders I ever had the fortune to work with. Finally, when no resolution could be made, it was decided that they would go ask the teacher for some guidance. After all, who wouldn’t want some guidance from Batman?

And so, everyone in the group went to discuss matters with Gotham City’s finest. Everyone…except exceptionally good looking girl— Exceptionally good looking girl…and me.

THIS was my chance! The moment I had been waiting for! I was completely alone with this flower of the 7th grade! In the back room of the science lab no less!! I couldn’t have planned this any better!

We sat there, just the two of us staring at each other while my poor 7th grade brain racked itself for something to say.

Anything! C’mon!! This was my golden opportunity!!

-silence-

Oh no! No! This isn’t happening! You wanted this opportunity you stupid kid, now DO SOMETHING WITH IT!

-silence-

OPEN YOUR MOUTH!! The longer you wait the harder and more awkward it’s going to be!!

-silence-

You will NEVER get another opportunity like this and you will NEVER live this down if you don’t say something to her NOW!

My inner voice was right. There would never be another chance like this. Finally, after this eternity of silence, I forced myself to open my mouth.

“-ahem-  Well…this is an interesting group…” I managed to squeak out. She looked up at me with those big doe eyes, I think both surprised and relieved that I had finally broken the silence.

“Yeah,” she responded.

I smiled and nodded my head a few too many times. Desperately my mind tried to come up with something else to say. Some logical progression of this awkward conversation. But there was nothing. I had nothing.

-silence-

Those were the first, and last words I ever spoke to the girl. And while we went to the same schools for the next several years, we never again shared any classes, projects, or friends. I practically never saw her again. I don’t even know if we graduated from the same high school or not.

I had been right. It was indeed, my singular opportunity.