Raccoon Toons

I think we all know one or two of these girls. The exceptionally beautiful. The ridiculously gorgeous eye candy. The complete bombshell. And wherever these women are, there are boys. Drooling. Salivating. Tripping over each other as they struggle to stand out from the others. Making complete and utter [donkeys] of themselves vying for the attention of just one exceedingly attractive woman.

You probably know a few girls who fall into this insanely-beautiful category. I certainly do. (Obviously.) I’m sure you have a couple of them among your social media friends. You’ve no doubt seen the absolutely ridiculous amount of attention they receive. It usually goes something like this:

Sadly, it’s true. We all really do want to see that photo. It’s just a shame that she’s aware of it.

No less than 5 seconds later, the photos will have been “liked” by no less than 37 “friends,” all of which are male.

Within 10 seconds, the first “comment” will appear. It will come from a guy who may or may not be shirtless in his profile picture. The comment will say (and I quote):

Within half a minute there will be no less than 10-15 comments. All of which are derivative of pretty much the same previously mentioned comment.

With every additional minute of time, the number of similar comments increases exponentially.

In addition to these, there will also be several attempts at flattery. These poor souls have it in their head that if they type just the right comment and place it into the roaring stream of testosterone, the hot girl will undoubtedly read it among so many others and be absolutely love-stricken with the “originality” of said comment that she will surely cease contact with all over her other 1,728 “friends” and run away to Vegas with this one man: social media pick-up artist commentator extraordinaire. Perhaps hoping to elevate their comments from a simple exclamation, these pick-up artists craft deep and profound words of eloquence in the hopes of separating them from the others.

By the 5 minute mark you will notice comments from no less than 3 desperate men, all of which are taking this moment of time to profess their undying love and affection, and are pleading for our subject to call them.

Immediately following this, you will notice the lone and singular female voice among our commentators. Hoping to grasp just a fraction of the attention of so many ignorant men, and perhaps to prove to everyone that she is relevant and knows popular people, this girl will post any one of the following:

Her plan will fail, and none of the men will “friend” her.

Interestingly enough, you might observe that many of the aforementioned commentators don’t even live within a 400-mile radius of our hot girl. One might wonder why she has so many “friends” that she has no actual connection to. But that’s a topic for another post…

All of it is embarrassing. Really. I am embarrassed for you. So many of you, making fools of yourself publicly as you desperately seek the attention of one girl. A girl who seem to be enjoying every minute of it, and for whom I am also embarrassed. Please. Don’t embarrass yourself. Don’t be these people. Don’t be a jackaninny.

The comments will continue for an hour or so, at which point the girl will post a new status update, and the cycle will repeat itself from the beginning. Indefinitely. Forever. After all, 1,729 friends is a lot of attention to manage.