Once upon a time I threw a party. I decided I needed to be more social and so I decided to throw a party. I bought a bunch of food and sent out lots of emails and text messages. At first I was a little worried. I was mixing so many of my different social circles together. What if my work friends didn’t get along with my softball friends? And what if my softball friends didn’t mesh well with my church friends? But I decided to heck with it, and invited them all anyway.
As it turns out, my fears were completely unsubstantiated because NOBODY SHOWED UP. Apparently, the Federal government hasn’t actually declared the opening day of baseball season to be a national holiday, so everyone had jobs to go to. Or something. Hey. You didn’t see ME working on the first day of baseball season. Priorities people!
Later that night when I cried myself to sleep (because the Dodgers beat the Giants, not because I had no friends), I came to the realization that my friends weren’t really that great anyway and I was glad they didn’t show up. Stupid friends, I told myself. They didn’t even have enough common sense to take off work on the first day of baseball season. They probably would have been bad mojo and caused the baseball game to have gone even worse than it did. And they would have eaten all my food. Because they’re fat. And ugly. I hate you.