Raccoon Toons

So what exactly IS cool?? And who or what dictates these things? Is there a committee that sits around a large table and one day decides to vote on making Justin Bieber and the Kardashians cool?? And if so, how did these people ever obtain such a lofty position of power? More importantly, how can we impeach them for their crimes against coolness?

Case in point: Disco. Platform shoes. The 70′s. Need I say more? Those in power have continuously led us astray on the path to coolness. They must be held accountable for their mistakes, even if those mistakes amount to an entire decade of really baaaaaaad decisions. The time for change has come. The time for change is now.

I propose a new plan of coolness. First of all, the cool voting age will be increased by 5 years. I’m looking at you preteens. No more teenyboppers and vampire stories. It’s your fault we’re in this mess. We must stop this trend now before it’s too late. Remember: Raise the age to break the phase.

Second: In order for something to be cool, it can’t be dumb. I know this sounds like a no-brainer, but clearly I have to write this into the coolness bylaws. Stupid celebrities are not cool. Reality dating on Television, is not cool. Childish bathroom humor spewed all over the reboot of your favorite childhood cartoon franchise is NOT cool. So, to recap: stupid things are not cool. Remember Mr. T’s infamous words of advice: Don’t be a fool. Stay in school.

Finally: Guys who draw cartoons and have their own websites will always and forever be cool. They might even be in their own super-class of cool. I know that might seem a little less obvious than the previous two bylaws, but it’s what’s needed to make our country great. Trust me.

I hope we can count on your support this November. It’s time to take back what’s ours. It’s time to take back our coolness.