-Matthew experienced a severe case of writer’s block this issue, so I, the heroic Dark Offender, came to his rescue, and will be filling his place. -
It’s not easy being a super hero in the small suburbs of Mountain View and Los Altos. One would think that in such mild surroundings a super hero would lead the easy life, but even here the life of a super hero is quite to the contrary. Fighting for freedom, justice, and the American way takes a lot out of you. (Not to mention all the kiddy birthday parties.)
Often times people ask me, “Dark Offender, how can I become a super hero such as yourself?” In hopes of answering such a question, I have compiled what’s been dubbed, “The Dark offender’s Official Guide to Becoming a Super Hero, Volume 1.Ó It is my earnest hope that with this guide in one hand, and a good marketing plan in the other, even the most incompetent fool can reach super hero status.
1. The birth of a super hero: Every super hero somewhere along the line, must have a traumatizing experience which in turn results in the desire to crush evil wherever it places it’s corrupt hand. Both Spiderman and Batman lost their parents, and Zorro watched the murder of his brother. In my case, it was five years ago on Halloween when my colleagues and I were viciously attacked by a renegade gang of bag-snatchers. We barely escaped with our lives, let alone our candy. It was then that the Dark Offender was born.
2. Super powers: Not every hero has super powers, but they can undoubtedly make a difference in your battle against crime. If you aren’t fortunate enough to be born on a strange and exotic planet, or to be born some type of mutant of some sort, you can always gain super powers the old fashioned way by involving yourself as the test subject of some bizarre scientific experiment. Naturally, this isn’t guaranteed to work every time, and there is a slight risk involved, but I’m sure you’ll agree that it’s a small price to pay for law and order.
3. Choosing a name: The name of a super hero is extremely important. A proper name will strike terror into the hearts of evildoers everywhere. If you are gifted with some type of super hero function, then you will naturally want to somehow incorporate that into your name. For example, if your super power was the amazing ability to eat lots of cheese, then you could call yourself, “Cheese Man,” or “Cheesy Guy,” or maybe “Cheese Whiz.” You could always pick an animal form for your super hero name (i.e.: Batman, Spiderman, Wolverine), but keep in mind that your costume must also represent your super hero name in some way. So don’t go calling yourself “The Amazing Hippo Boy” unless you do in fact look like a hippopotamus. I chose the name “The Dark Offender,” for the simple reason that that is my purpose as a super hero. I offend darkness.
4. The costume of a hero: The super hero’s costume is very important. Without a good costume, super villains will not take you seriously. Capes have been a super hero tradition for centuries. Gloves, boots, and multicolored utility belts are not only flashy, but useful as well. Keep in mind that you have a secret identity to preserve as well, chances are you will need a mask.
5. Sidekicks: Almost every super hero has a sidekick. Batman has Robin, Darkwing Duck has Launch Pad McQuack, and even Radioactive man has Fallout Boy. Sidekicks are necessary for three things: First for comedy relief. Second for doing all the stuff that the super hero doesn’t want to deal with. Third for saving you, the super hero, from the evil villain when you get caught, so you can undoubtedly take the credit for saving the day later. Indeed sidekicks are a very good investment. I myself have two; “The Light Avenger” (he avenges the light), and super hero in training, “The Blue Defender” (He uh…defends blueness…I guess…)
6. Your secret identity: Secret identities are essential to every super hero. Without them, you run the risk of being easily duped by villains, and mobbed by adoring fans. Every self-respecting super hero has an alter ego with which he can enjoy life like everyone else without endangering himself or others around him. Preserving your secret identity is critical.
7. Finding yourself a home: Once you have completed steps 1-6, you are ready to begin your crime-fighting extravaganza. But first you need to find a city to protect from the forces of evil. I recommend starting in a small city, where you can work to make a name for yourself. (The competition in the larger cities is enormous.) You might try looking in the classifieds for cities looking for a hero. Once you have chosen a city, your next move is to find yourself a secret hideout. When first starting out, look for something small and affordable. Once your merchandising starts taking off, then you can begin expanding your domain.
8. Finding a worthy adversary: Perhaps one of the most difficult steps of becoming a bona fide super hero is finding a super villain with which to do battle. With the economy going as well as it is, there has been a real lack of decent super villains. You might try the Pacific Bell Yellow Pages. If at first you don’t succeed, try, try again. You can always direct traffic and help old ladies across the street until a good crime wave hits.
It is my humble wish that in due time, all of you faithful readers might become legitimate super heroes. Matt will be back next issue, assuming the pressures of teenage life haven’t driven him insane. But alas, I must be off, for the perils of evil must be vanquished.