With Homecoming just around the corner, it seems appropriate that I leave a few words of wisdom. (or complete lack thereof) For those girls who think that the guys have it easy because they get to do the asking, I’d like to rebut that line of thinking. The following is an example involving a young man, who is dealing with the pressures of asking a girl to a dance. The name has been changed to “Holmes” to protect the pitiful. (I swear he isn’t really me)
1. Holmes sits in his room, mustering up courage.
2. Holmes picks up telephone.
3. Holmes realizes that he doesn’t know the phone number.
4. Holmes hangs up, and looks up the telephone number.
5. Holmes picks up telephone.
6. Holmes decides that she’s probably busy, so he decides to call later.
7. Holmes hangs up telephone.
8. Holmes procrastinates for the next few hours by making up lame excuses why now isn’t a good time to call, so instead watches Transformers.
9. Holmes picks up telephone.
10. Holmes dials number.
11. Holmes hangs up telephone after one ring, because he can’t think of what to say, should anyone answer.
12. Holmes spends the next half an hour making an outline of the conversation, and then practices it out loud for another fifteen minutes.
13. Holmes picks up telephone.
14. Holmes dials number.
15. Holmes hangs up telephone, this time after two rings.
16. Holmes collects his thoughts, and takes a few deep breaths.
17. Holmes picks up telephone.
18. Holmes dials number.
19. Holmes hangs up telephone.
20. Holmes looks at his clock and figures that it’s probably too late to call, so he decides he’ll try again tomorrow.
Some of you may say that this is an exaggerated display of the pathetic life of one individual. (who I swear, isn’t really me) Well…it’s not. I’d like to go on the record and say that whoever came up with the notion that the guys should do all the asking should be dragged out into a street and shot. It’s bad enough that the guys already have to pay for everything.
Okay, I have a confession to make. I originally wanted to write the whole column about the perils of the infamous “Homecoming Date” but I realized that I have very little if any, authority on the subject. Fact of the matter is, I’ve never taken a girl to Homecoming. Well, alright there was one time my Sophomore year, but I don’t really count that one. The girl ended up ditching me for a “friend” of mine, and I never actually danced with her once. (I forgive you, don’t feel bad, you know I love you to pieces) She ended up going out with the guy for a while. (some friend) Ironically, that makes a lot of sense to me. It was kinda exciting though, (the dance I mean) from what I remember. My mommy bought me a new suit, and we went to this really expensive place for dinner. When it was all said and done, I owed my little brother about seventy dollars. I finally paid him off about six months later. Stupid high school dances, they’re murder on your economic status.
Not long ago in my Civics class we were discussing the debate on whether or not males and females are different by nature, or different because they’re raised in the way society says they should be raised. I’d have to agree with the idea that guys and girls are different by nature. For example, girls go to the bathroom in groups, and spend about an hour or two in there. No guy on the face of the universe really knows what they do for so long. Guys however go straight to the rest room, alone, do their business, and we’re outta there. Half the time we won’t even flush. (except for that one stall that overflows all the time, we love flushing that one) But anyway, enough bathroom talk, back to the subject at hand. The average guy prior to the Homecoming dance will start getting ready about twenty minutes before hand. He steps out of the shower, combs back his hair, throws on that suit (which he never wears) from the depths of the closet, and he’s on his way. The average female on the other hand, will wake up extra early to begin her preparatory Homecoming extravaganza, by first attending her nail appointment (which she made about a month before hand), then rushing to her hair appointment (which she made about a month before she made her nail appointment), and then, if that wasn’t already enough, her best friend needs to come over and help her put on her dress (which is a given). Girls are different than guys, no question about it. My suggestion to the guys is to tell your date you’ll arrive at six, and then show up at seven. She won’t know the difference, trust me.
In closing I’d like to wish all those people with dates good luck. My last bit of totally pointless advice is as follows: Guys, don’t try to act too cool at the dance, girls hate that. And girls, don’t drag you dates onto the dance floor during the songs “Barbie Girl,” and anything by the “Spice Girls,” we hate that.
I had just barely worked up enough courage to ask a girl to the Homecoming dance this year, when another guy beat me to the punch. Guess it’s my own fault for waiting too long. (i.e.: our dear friend “Holmes” which was spoken of earlier) At least now I don’t have to stress out about it though. Dang-it-all. Looks like I’ll be going stag…again. Guess it’s become my tradition. Oh well, all the better really. This way I don’t have to make a total and complete idiot of myself trying to impress somebody.