Raccoon Toons

I’ve decided that I am destined to be a bachelor for life. This is of course, not by choice, but it seems to be my unspeakable fate. I come to this conclusion after receiving yet another “Dear John” style rejection letter. Nothing like a good rejection letter to brighten one’s day. To the writer’s credit it was very well written. It had all the right lines such as, “I just don’t think of you that way,” and “I don’t see anything between us in the future.” Yes, it was sad, but it was perhaps the best rejection letter I have ever been given. Not long ago, a friend of mine was handed a “Dear John” as well. Upon hearing him relay is sad tale to me, I was intrigued as to how alike our rejections had been. After digging up several letters from my desk drawer, and researching them thoroughly, I come to the conclusion that all rejection letters consist of the same basic content:

Dear (place name here),

This is of course the opening of the letter. Most girls begin casual letters with “Hey (place name here),” or maybe just the name at the top of the page. When the letter begins formally with “Dear,” you should take caution and prepare for the worst.

Paragraph #1 (Prior stuff)

The first initial paragraph is usually the standard letter material. i.e.: “Hey, how are you? I am fine. Class is really boring…etc.” Guys don’t want to hear all this pointless drivel. It lulls us into a false sense of security.

Paragraph #2 (Rejection)

The second paragraph consists of the actual rejection, and often times begins with the phrase, “I am going to be totally honest with you.” This is where the big warning lights come on. Obviously if a girl states that she is just now going to begin to be honest, then logic would presume that she has been dishonest and deceiving up until this point. It’s bad enough that they’re rejecting us, but as if only to add insult to injury they feel obligated to tell us that they’ve been lying to us all this time. Another popular opening is “I’ve been doing some thinking.” Any letter that has this phrase can’t be anything but trouble. Any guy anywhere will tell you that thinking is bad. Thinking leads us to places that we don’t want to be, places that we shouldn’t be. And besides that, it makes our heads hurt.

Paragraph #3 (Apology for rejection)

After the rejection, there always seems to be a huge portion dedicated to apologizing for one’s feelings (as if feelings were somehow controllable). Various phrases like, “I’m sorry, it’s not you, it’s me,” and “I’m just not ready for a relationship right now,” tend to pop up. Many times, a girl will write, “But I still want to be friends.” This is never good. Nothing stings worse than the infamous “F-word.” Saying that phrase is much like a kidnapper releasing his prisoner and saying, “Hey, come back and visit!” To the women of the world I plead with you; I beg of you: Do not offer us the consolation prize of friendship, not after you’ve just pushed our hearts through your own little garbage disposal of rejection. Although it is admirable for you to want a friendship between you and your rejectee, the word “friend” is not something he wants to hear right now.

Love, (place name here)

Ever notice how girls always sign their letters with “Love,” or one of those hearts? It doesn’t matter what the letter says, they refuse to sign it any other way. The letter could say, “I hate you, I never want to see you again. I hope you rot in heck,” and they’d still sign it “Love, (name here)”. As if they weren’t already confusing enough, they feel the need to contradict themselves. I wouldn’t be a bit surprised if it’s all part of some grand conspiracy to mislead the male population of the earth. The first step is to turn our minds to Jell-O with their countless contradictions and mixed signals. After that, they attempt to get us thinking… What else could account for such conformity among so many rejection letters?

Almost every letter that I’ve studied follows the above outline’s basic design. Mere coincidence? Perhaps. But I’m not so sure. But the fact remains the same: Women are poorly educated in the ways of the “Dear John.” I wonder if there’s some type of course available for girls that teaches the fine art of rejection. Maybe it could be used for college credit.

In light of such widespread misunderstanding, I would like to display the ideal rejection letter in hopes of better educating the female population:

“Dear (place name here)
I don’t like you. I never did. Sorry.
Sincerely,
(place name here)”

Straight and to the point. Some may say that this method is a little harsh, and lacks the gentle tone of the typical “Dear John” letter. This is true, but to the girl who says, “I don’t want to hurt his feelings,” you need to understand that it is inevitable. No guy’s going to get shot-down and be greatly enthused because his feelings weren’t hurt.

In closing, there’s really no easy way to go about rejecting a person. Someone’s bound to get hurt, so you might as well get it over with in one clean shot. Being rejected is a lot like having your heart dug-out with a dull spoon: nobody wants it prolonged. Don’t beat around the bush, or drop little hints that he’s about to get his tail feathers dropped. I’m sure he’ll thank you for it later. I once had a girlfriend who said to me, “All men should be kept underground and only be used for breeding.” She dumped me four days after we started dating. I should have seen it coming.