A funny thing happened to me over this last winter break. Actually, I’m not sure I would classify it as “funny.” I saw my ex-girlfriend, the first one, the painful one, the one that shattered my heart and when she was finished with that, ran it through the garbage disposal for good measure. I hadn’t seen her for about seven months, and to be honest, I didn’t really care to. I often times wondered what it would be like to see her again. I wondered if she was still the same girl I had known her to become. I wondered what she would say, and likewise what I would say. But most of all, I wondered how I would handle the situation. After all, this was the first girl who actually responded to any of my pursuits, the one who actually returned my affections, she was in fact, my best friend. Then again, this was also the girl who left me, stranded and alone, the one I spent nights sobbing over like a pathetic two-year old. How would I react if I saw her again? And how would she? I wasn’t too eager to find out. And so I was left to wonder, which was really fine by me, because it wasn’t too long before I pushed those thoughts aside and began thinking about other much more important things, (and girls, for that matter). Besides, what were the odds of seeing her ever again anyway? She’d left for college, gone away out of my life forever. Surely if I was ever to encounter her again it would be for but a brisk moment, probably a quick passing at some large social gathering, or school event. But I was wrong.
I never anticipated it so soon, or so suddenly. Walking in some random parking lot one doesn’t exactly plan on just “running into” their ex. It happened so quickly, I didn’t really have time to think about what events were about to occur. So, I did what any red-blooded American would do in my situation…I hid in the sanctuary of my peers. I kept at least a twenty-foot distance, as she visited with one of the friends I had just moments ago been walking with. I said nothing. I didn’t even cast a glance in her general direction. (Well, at least not when she was looking.) Instead I conversed with my friends, trying extra hard to laugh and appear whimsical. (After all, it’s the first rule of breakups; always lead your ex to believe that you’re doing better without them then you really are.) And when she finished talking with my friend, she left, and so did I. Perhaps never to see each other again, or perhaps to see each other in another seven months. Who knows.
It’s kinda weird how relationships work. Here was a girl who I at one point devoted catastrophic amounts of time and energy. A girl who I thought I could never live without. A girl whom I thought I loved. (The keyword there is “thought” folks.) And here, in a parking lot in front of a Jamba Juice…we were strangers. Our relationship ended a year and two months ago. (To the exact release date of this paper in fact.) I won’t give the gruesome details of how or why we broke-up. Such things shouldn’t be discussed, let alone printed. The results however were tragic. Our relationship broken beyond repair, our friendship lost forever, and though I can’t say the same for her, I was a total and complete wreck for eight incredibly pitiful and truly pathetic months. I would often times blame her for the events which transpired, convinced it was her fault things came to be the way they were. Then I would blame myself, convinced it was my incompetence that destroyed whatever it was we once had. I’ll never know nor understand what she thought or felt during these times. Maybe she was feeling many of the same things I was. Then again, maybe she really was the corrupted, unfeeling, deceitful girl I had once proclaimed her to be. (I said a lot of really nasty things that I’m not-too proud of.) Confused, mislead, depressed, and just really cheesed-off, attempts were made to mend the gap between us, although the stubbornness of two people would inevitably drive the awkward wedge between us deeper still. Needless to say, we drifted further, and further still, until we were but mere acquaintances, or even worse, strangers. Nothing but painful memories. Much different from the life-long friends we had once sworn to be. Funny how things work like that…frickin’ hilarious…
But these are mostly forgotten memories. I’ve seen several of my friends come out of relationships. All of them sad, and depressed. I attempt to console them, and as I do I think to myself, “Wow, was I as depressed as this a year ago?” Then I ponder for a moment and realize the answer is no…I was worse. Far worse. The epitome of worse. For those of you who have come out of relationships, heartbroken, teary-eyed, and convinced that you are destined to live your life this way; things get better. It goes away. I promise. After all, things need to get worse before they can get better. And things could always be worse.
I am pleased to say, that seeing my ex-girlfriend brought no animosity or feelings of anger. Even more pleasing to me, seeing her didn’t bring that feeling of attraction that I had once grown so accustomed to. Indeed time has taken it’s toll, and absence has made the heart grow fungus. As for the next time I see her, who knows how I’ll react then. Maybe there won’t even be a next time. If there is, who knows, maybe I’ll actually talk to her, see how she’s doing. Or maybe I’ll just retreat into the comfort-zone of my piers again. Either way it doesn’t really matter, and I don’t really care. I have much more important things to worry about, and better people to obsess over.
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