Raccoon Toons

How to scare the ever-living-crud out of your trick-or-treaters:

First, get some big baggy clothes. I recommend some large flannel shirts, and a pair of jeans from the 90′s. Or perhaps Hammer pants.

Once you’ve dressed in the clothes, add a little extra padding here and there. Hay sticking out of the sleeves is a nice touch.

Next, find yourself a mask of sorts. A ski mask, Halloween mask, doesn’t matter. Finally, top it all off with a really big hat. A sombrero will perform nicely.

Now, situate yourself on your porch so as not to look alive. You want to appear as though you are a real dummy. That shouldn’t be too difficult.

Place a bowl of candy beside you or rest it in your arms. Leave a sign on your door that points to the bowl and suggests that children “take two.”

Now the fun can begin. Turn off all the lights in your house so nobody thinks you’re home.

You know what to do next. Children are greedy little punks. The first group that comes to your door will see the bowl of candy and ignore the mandate of simply “taking two.” They will reach their grubby little hands into the bowl and grab handful after handful. That is…if you let them.

Now is your moment to strike. With one swift movement jump up with your arms in the air and shriek in deafening horror. Those greedy little mongrels will scream in terrifying agony. Oh how glorious is the comeuppance.

This model provides hours of Halloween fun. Friends and family can watch safely from inside the darkened home and participate in the Halloween magic. A video camera hidden in the bushes can preserve the beautiful memories so that you can share them with your children’s children, and teach them the importance of honesty. Yes. Because that’s what we’re doing here. Teaching children the importance of honesty.