Raccoon Toons

As a veteran trick-or-treater, I have experienced much in the ways of Halloweeny candy collecting goodness. I have scouted the best candy collecting areas ahead of time. I have created routes and maps to promote efficiency in my trick-or-treating. And I have utilized pillow cases and rollerblades to maximize both speed and transitability (I think I just invented that word by the way). All these years of research and training have taught me one thing: Not all candies are created equal.

First off, you would be wise to get the inside scoop on your hometown trick-or-treating ahead of time. Usually about the time kids reach the 4th grade they’ve come to know exactly where all the good houses are. I remember there was one specific house in our home town that EVERYONE knew would give out full 2.17 oz. bags of Skittles. The orange bagged ones. 2.17 oz!! NO ONE gives those out!!

There are however, homes which fail to measure up even to the most basic candy offerings. Fruit, for example is NOT candy. Nor should it ever be confused with candy. Raisins, are MOST DEFINITELY NOT candy. In fact, if you give me raisins, I will probably give you a kick in the face. I mean really. Raisins are only cool when they’re singing and dancing on stage (in which case they are VERY cool). Who wants to eat old fruit that’s been left out in the sun?!? Not me. You jerks.

What about those orange circus peanuts? No. I don’t care what you say. Those things are their own special breed of grossness. They’re like a mutant brand of candy. They’re an abomination. Somehow forged together from marshmallows, raw sugar, peeps, and a lot of orange food coloring. The worst thing about them, is that even though they’re absolutely disgusting, you can’t bring yourself to stop eating them. I swear they’re like the cocaine of disgusting Halloween candies. So wrong. So very wrong.

Personally I love a good piece of chocolate, or perhaps some fruity-candy. Or Red Vines. Oh my goodness yes. That is my holy grail of Halloween candies. So often sought for. So rarely obtained. I do love those red, beautiful, luscious, Red Vines.

…my six-pack abs however, seem to have personal differences with them.