Lousy vegetables. Why is it that everything that is “good for you” tastes like complete and utter garbage? It’s crazy talk I say! Crazy talk! Next you’ll be telling me that skunk-juice and battery acid are “good for me.” Well they aren’t. Trust me. I have a theory. I think our bodies are smarter than [...]
It’s that time of the year again. It’s time to gather all your useless fruit. It is time to smash it authoritatively. I recommend starting with a few good oranges. Perhaps you have an orange tree that is overproducing fruit that is deemed inedible. Or perhaps you have some skunky ones growing some mold and hanging out in [...]
I was not cool this year. I did not attend any wild and crazy Halloween parties on account of my work schedule. I did not don one of my many reusable Halloween costumes (Giants baseball player, Indiana Jones) and venture out into the night of All Hallow’s Eve. But it’s all good. I did carve some insanely [...]
Have a happy and safe Halloween everyone! May your goblins be frightening and your candy be sugary! ~Matt
As a veteran trick-or-treater, I have experienced much in the ways of Halloweeny candy collecting goodness. I have scouted the best candy collecting areas ahead of time. I have created routes and maps to promote efficiency in my trick-or-treating. And I have utilized pillow cases and rollerblades to maximize both speed and transitability (I think I just invented [...]
How to scare the ever-living-crud out of your trick-or-treaters: First, get some big baggy clothes. I recommend some large flannel shirts, and a pair of jeans from the 90′s. Or perhaps Hammer pants. Once you’ve dressed in the clothes, add a little extra padding here and there. Hay sticking out of the sleeves is a [...]
It’s Friday! Time for a new fortune box!! Halloween edition!!!
This past week has been an interesting one for me. I sense changes coming in my future and I’m not entirely certain what to expect. Will it mean a new and fancy job? A change of venue? A new and ridiculously adorable relationship? A new twist in this season’s episodes of Castle?? I just don’t [...]
Sometimes I am impressed and intimidated by people I know who do amazing things. They wake up early and go out into the world and accomplish so much. They work hard at their jobs, they’re super successful, they work with hundreds of people or for incredible causes. They create amazing art or writing or film [...]
I have a creative mind. My apartment is living proof of this matter. I don’t have anything clever or witty to write this week, except to say that if anyone wants to come over and un-creative my mind I wouldn’t object. I can pay you…in empty pizza boxes, old t-shirts, and junk mail. You know [...]